The Wedding Party: Valuing All Families

[Stuart Gaffney]

My mother, who is Chinese American, was only able to marry my father, who is English and Irish, because the California Supreme Court 60 years ago became the first state supreme court in the nation to overturn a ban on interracial couples marrying. My mother still remembers the day when one of her friends in the Chinese Students Club at U.C. Berkeley had to leave the state to marry her white fiancé a few years before the Court’s decision. My Mom's friend literally had to run from the law to marry the person she loved, simply because they were of different races.

On May 15, 2008, John and I stood on the steps of the California Supreme Court to await the historic ruling in the California case for marriage equality. At 10am, a cheer went up from plaintiffs and supporters – justice had been done – the law barring same-sex couples from marriage had been declared unconstitutional. A minute later, my cell phone rang – it was my mother – and she had one simple question: “When’s the wedding?”

We married a month later, on the first full day of marriage equality in California. As we exchanged vows and were pronounced married spouses for life, my parents witnessed another generation in the family being treated equally under the law. After the wedding, we embraced as a family in a group hug that spanned the generations. But there was no time for a honeymoon, because Proposition 8 was looming over all the happy couples getting married that day, and in the months that followed the court’s ruling. After the wedding, my father sent our wedding photo to all his co-workers to announce our marriage and ask them not to vote it out of existence, and my brother wrote an essay for his church bulletin. All over California, families just like ours were doing the same thing. From our wedding day to Election Day, over 18,000 couples just like us were finally able to exchange vows and be treated equally under the law.

On November 4, 2008 – Election Day – California was once again at a crossroads in marriage history, as Proposition 8 put the newly won marriage rights of same-sex couples up for a popular vote. We stood with my mother on a busy street corner that afternoon, holding “No on 8” signs. This was the first time my mother campaigned and rallied in public to ask for people’s votes, but it was also the first time that our rights as a family were the subject of a ballot initiative. Every time a car passed and honked in approval of our “No on 8” signs, my mother would say, “Good for you!!” Most of the reactions came from passing cars, but as it got later in the day a group of high school kids walking by on their way home from school saw us standing there with my Mom – they saw the “No on 8” signs and then high-fived my Mom.

As night was falling, we took my mother home and then headed over to see my sister, who had been volunteering regularly for the campaign. We stood together with my sister up until the polls closed, to make sure that any voters making up their minds at the last minute would get to speak with my sister, who doesn’t understand why she and her husband are free to marry while her brother and brother-in-law need to fight for that same basic right.

As we awaited the election returns, we contemplated the moment. Thank goodness there was no Prop 8 in my parents’ day. Polls taken the year my Mom and Dad married showed that over 90% of voters were against interracial couples being able to marry. If that proposition had been placed on the ballot, my family would have been voted out of existence. Now, a generation later, it is unthinkable we would have laws against interracial marriage. Someday soon, it will be unthinkable that John and I had to wait 21 years for our wedding day.

We learned with sorrow that Proposition 8 passed by a slim majority. For the time being, marriage equality has come and gone in California. But one thing remains constant – our family is standing together, supporting us and working for the day when all Californians have their fundamental rights restored – the freedom to marry the person of your choice, the person you love.