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The Modern Bond: Spouses for Life
I am looking forward to marrying my fiancé. He is a man and I am a woman, therefore we can have our marriage recognized across religions and state boundaries. I am excited for matrimony, but I am so saddened that the pride that I feel around becoming Eric’s spouse and he mine is denied so many loving couples. I know marriage as a tradition shared by cultures around the world, not governed by any one religion, nor exclusive to any one group; and I believe that every committed couple deserves to enjoy the privileges and responsibilities conferred by marriage, if they so desire. I am hopeful when I imagine a future where people rally to celebrate their inherent equality instead of fearing that which they recognize as different.
There is such a variety of evocative wedding rituals. I feel lucky that many of my clients are interested in reexamining their perceptions of weddings as puffy dress & white cake parties. Many borrow traditions cross culturally, like the Jewish Chuppah, symbolizing the home the couple will build together; some couples invent their own rituals, perhaps inviting their guests to contribute to an art panel during the reception. The modern bond is exemplified by couples incorporating elements that make their weddings personal, unique and inclusive.
The state has no right to comment on the validity of two consenting adults’ marriage bond, especially on religious grounds (the separation of church and state aside), since modern marriage is not intrinsically a religious rite. Circumcision was born as a religious rite, but I don’t see anyone making a fuss about the sexuality of those who are circumcised… Religion aside, marriage is certainly not subject to limitation as a civil right because marriage is a legal ceremony, recognized by the US government, which then confers certain rights to married citizens. Even Enterprise Car Rental gives extended rights to married couples. The discriminatory ripple effect of denying same sex couples the right to marry extends far beyond a technical legality.
As a wedding coordinator and a student of anthropology, I have studied marriage traditions across cultures and around the world. At the American Rental Association (ARA), November, 2006 WORKING WITH WEDDINGS conference, I gave presentations on the topics of "Modern Wedding Trends" & "Ethnic Weddings to Honor Diverse Cultural Heritage". Ethnic refers to any group that self identifies as having shared cultural, linguistic, religious, behavioral or biological traits. When American’s express an opinion about “ethnic food”, they mean, “different” –ingredients they do not keep in their family’s kitchen; but ethnicity is much more about what bonds a group together. Sometimes that includes observable attributes: physical traits; or style of dress. It might include invisible characteristics, such as identification with an LGBT, religious or geographic community. But who we are and our ability to love one another is in no way defined or limited by these bonds. For the majority of Americans, marriage is a choice. For some, it is a choice whether or not to enter into a contract with God. For others it is a choice whether or not to be legally bound as spouses. Weddings have a lot of romantic lore about them, because committing to a loving partnership for life is romantic: it is extreme; it evokes strong emotion; it challenges the imagination. Weddings are celebratory, but marriage is not to be undertaken lightly. Marriage is only a prize for those who want to be married, so it should always be a choice. Conversely, it should never be denied.
It strikes me as childish that there those among us who would deny others in order to comfort themselves. Usually when people say “no” with such emotion it is because they feel vulnerable or threatened. There is something in human nature that wants to believe that we are not all equal, because if we were, we would disallow ourselves the consoling delusion that we ourselves are somehow “better than”. As children, our curiosity is focused on sorting colors and deciding what foods we like or don’t like; learning shapes and choosing which pajamas are our favorite. Compartmentalizing, categorizing, ranking and judging are all important skills. They help us to be efficient by guiding us in making quick choices to further our interests and good decisions, like ‘don’t eat raw pork.’ At the heart of our humanity, though, is compassion, and compassion requires us to recognize humanity in another person, to look for what is similar and embrace it, rather than gawk skeptically at what appears different.
Early learning is very concerned with fairness and equality, but children often don’t learn the difference between the two. Instead of worrying about protecting our children from knowledge of the world that we’ve brought them into, maybe parents today could focus on teaching them well about it. Children often get confused that fairness means getting the bigger piece of cake; that equality means, I know you love us both, but I put my boots away, so I am better than my sister and you love me more. Perhaps the fact that no one is better than anyone else would not be so lost on so many if it was more clearly reinforced in childhood. Fairness means impartial, honest and free of self interest. Equality means that no one is greater in status or nature than another. To deny marriage to some denotes and connotes a grave inequality. And to deny marriage to some in the name of protecting one’s own self interest is simply unfair.
I am looking forward to marrying Eric. I am not joining a club that excludes my friends and neighbors, I simply have faith in a more inclusive future for marriage. Marriage is a celebrated human ritual; we are family building creatures with a great capacity to love in partnership. This is not to say that marriage is for everyone, but it should certainly be an option. I hope that those reading this essay will actively support marriage for all –the modern bond. By making your voice heard and working toward changing the laws that currently prohibit same-sex marriage in California and other states, you may not be fighting for your own rights, as defined by your gender or sexuality, but it is important to stand up for human rights across the board, not only when it applies to us or our demographic. We are all responsible for the world we live in.
There is such a variety of evocative wedding rituals. I feel lucky that many of my clients are interested in reexamining their perceptions of weddings as puffy dress & white cake parties. Many borrow traditions cross culturally, like the Jewish Chuppah, symbolizing the home the couple will build together; some couples invent their own rituals, perhaps inviting their guests to contribute to an art panel during the reception. The modern bond is exemplified by couples incorporating elements that make their weddings personal, unique and inclusive.
The state has no right to comment on the validity of two consenting adults’ marriage bond, especially on religious grounds (the separation of church and state aside), since modern marriage is not intrinsically a religious rite. Circumcision was born as a religious rite, but I don’t see anyone making a fuss about the sexuality of those who are circumcised… Religion aside, marriage is certainly not subject to limitation as a civil right because marriage is a legal ceremony, recognized by the US government, which then confers certain rights to married citizens. Even Enterprise Car Rental gives extended rights to married couples. The discriminatory ripple effect of denying same sex couples the right to marry extends far beyond a technical legality.
As a wedding coordinator and a student of anthropology, I have studied marriage traditions across cultures and around the world. At the American Rental Association (ARA), November, 2006 WORKING WITH WEDDINGS conference, I gave presentations on the topics of "Modern Wedding Trends" & "Ethnic Weddings to Honor Diverse Cultural Heritage". Ethnic refers to any group that self identifies as having shared cultural, linguistic, religious, behavioral or biological traits. When American’s express an opinion about “ethnic food”, they mean, “different” –ingredients they do not keep in their family’s kitchen; but ethnicity is much more about what bonds a group together. Sometimes that includes observable attributes: physical traits; or style of dress. It might include invisible characteristics, such as identification with an LGBT, religious or geographic community. But who we are and our ability to love one another is in no way defined or limited by these bonds. For the majority of Americans, marriage is a choice. For some, it is a choice whether or not to enter into a contract with God. For others it is a choice whether or not to be legally bound as spouses. Weddings have a lot of romantic lore about them, because committing to a loving partnership for life is romantic: it is extreme; it evokes strong emotion; it challenges the imagination. Weddings are celebratory, but marriage is not to be undertaken lightly. Marriage is only a prize for those who want to be married, so it should always be a choice. Conversely, it should never be denied.
It strikes me as childish that there those among us who would deny others in order to comfort themselves. Usually when people say “no” with such emotion it is because they feel vulnerable or threatened. There is something in human nature that wants to believe that we are not all equal, because if we were, we would disallow ourselves the consoling delusion that we ourselves are somehow “better than”. As children, our curiosity is focused on sorting colors and deciding what foods we like or don’t like; learning shapes and choosing which pajamas are our favorite. Compartmentalizing, categorizing, ranking and judging are all important skills. They help us to be efficient by guiding us in making quick choices to further our interests and good decisions, like ‘don’t eat raw pork.’ At the heart of our humanity, though, is compassion, and compassion requires us to recognize humanity in another person, to look for what is similar and embrace it, rather than gawk skeptically at what appears different.
Early learning is very concerned with fairness and equality, but children often don’t learn the difference between the two. Instead of worrying about protecting our children from knowledge of the world that we’ve brought them into, maybe parents today could focus on teaching them well about it. Children often get confused that fairness means getting the bigger piece of cake; that equality means, I know you love us both, but I put my boots away, so I am better than my sister and you love me more. Perhaps the fact that no one is better than anyone else would not be so lost on so many if it was more clearly reinforced in childhood. Fairness means impartial, honest and free of self interest. Equality means that no one is greater in status or nature than another. To deny marriage to some denotes and connotes a grave inequality. And to deny marriage to some in the name of protecting one’s own self interest is simply unfair.
I am looking forward to marrying Eric. I am not joining a club that excludes my friends and neighbors, I simply have faith in a more inclusive future for marriage. Marriage is a celebrated human ritual; we are family building creatures with a great capacity to love in partnership. This is not to say that marriage is for everyone, but it should certainly be an option. I hope that those reading this essay will actively support marriage for all –the modern bond. By making your voice heard and working toward changing the laws that currently prohibit same-sex marriage in California and other states, you may not be fighting for your own rights, as defined by your gender or sexuality, but it is important to stand up for human rights across the board, not only when it applies to us or our demographic. We are all responsible for the world we live in.
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Permalink Reply by BOND MAGAZINE on -
Thank you, Nelle. This is beautiful.
Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials.
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